Tell me that the purpose of life is to have fun, and without a care in the world I'll begin wreaking havoc on everything I pass. Now that's what I call pure, honest fun.
Chapter 3:
In Which Pranksters Cause Ruckus in the Hogwarts Express
~ James ~
James leaned back after Roxanne left the compartment he and Fred were sharing. It had taken about ten minutes to convince her that they wouldn't be using the Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks until they were safely at Hogwarts.
Fred sighed. "Well that was a complete waste of my time."
James looked at him. "What do you mean?"
"Well," he started. "Now that she’s gone, I can finally tell you about my little plan for our wonderful first year friends..." He smiled mischievously.
He rolled his eyes, laughing. "You don't honestly think that you'll get away with that, do you?"
"Oh, no. I could never do what I have planned single-handedly." He looked at his younger cousin solemnly.
"What do you have planned, exactly?"
"Well," he said again. "I was thinking a sort of... initiation ceremony. I mean, as if the Sorting Hat actually gives them enough of a scare."
"We weren't fortunate enough to get an initiation ceremony. Why would the first years actually go along with it, when we didn't even have to be welcomed with a ceremony?"
"The poor little firsties don't know that though, do they?" Fred had the expression on his face that he got when he was deep in thought.
James shook his head. "Okay. Let’s say we do it… how is this initiation ceremony going to work?"
"That's the fun part."
"What's the fun part?"
"Improvisation."
James rolled his eyes again. "You don't have a plan."
"You're almost as good at stating the obvious as Professor Longbottom." Fred laughed.
"So, we... round up the first years and–"
"Oh, no, no, no. Of course not. The first years are waiting for us."
"Um... where?"
"Where do you think? In the luggage car." Fred said, as if that was the most obvious place to hold the first annual first year initiation ceremony. Before James could react, Fred grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. "C'mon, let's go."
He shook his head in disbelief, following him out of the compartment. They walked down the corridor, heading for the luggage car. James stopped when he saw Albus, Rose, and another girl that he didn't know in the compartment ahead. He exchanged a look with Fred, and he smiled in return. They opened the door to the compartment and walked inside.
"Hey, Slytherin boy," James said, looking at Al. "What are you doing at this end of the train? I thought your compartment would be closer to the front. Y’know, near the driver? Where it’s safer." He smirked.
Albus ignored what he was saying to him, his nose in a book. "Aw, c'mon, Al. Answer your big Gryffindor brother." Fred grinned wickedly. "Have you been meddling in places you ought not?"
It was obviously a joke, but Al immediately looked up at him defensively. "No!" he said.
"Fred, you'll just have to face it." James grinned, going along with what his cousin was saying, "It's a Slytherin weakness if I've ever seen one. Sneaking around where you shouldn't be."
"Oh, I'd forgotten James. It's a good thing us Gryffindors have the bravery and not the... Dark Wizard tendencies," Fred said, grinning.
James’s laugh this time had a touch of unwanted nervousness. "Yeah. Salazar sure knew how to throw the evil ones in his house."
"And Al always had that... touch of evil at his core. Like the time he drowned your neighbour’s cat." Fred nodded absentmindedly. "Tragic."
He was positive that it had been Fred and himself that had drowned the neighbour’s cat, but he didn't say anything about that. "Yeah. That showed his true Slytherin."
James saw it coming out of his peripheral vision, but he had no time to react to Albus's well-placed fist as it connected with his jaw. The initial impact sent his head sharply back, but he stopped it from travelling any further by turning back to look at Albus.
"Oi!” Fred called out, "The Slytherin-in-training has some fight in him."
"We're going to be in Gryffindor," Rose said confidently.
"Right, I'm sure that..." Fred continued to say something, but James didn't hear him. He moved forward and tackled Al to the ground.
James could see that Al's lips were moving, but he wasn't listening to what he was saying. He was too concerned about getting his revenge. He tried to kick his brother off him and James rolled on his side, landing on the corridor’s carpet. He blocked another punch of his and was about to punch him back, but soon, he felt himself pulled off of Al.
He stood up and his eyes widened as he met Professor Bedelin’s frustrated stare. It was a surprise to meet his Transfiguration teacher on Hogwarts Express. James had heard older students say she preferred travelling by train though, to get to know the first years. He could guarantee though that she wasn’t aboard last year. "James Potter, I expected more from you!" she reprimanded him.
Funny. I don't expect more from myself. I've been in detention enough.
"He punched me Professor," James explained.
She turned and looked at Al, "You're a new face."
Al nodded. "Albus Potter."
Leave it to the Slytherin to remove all doubt about us being related...
"So you are related to the troublemaker, then?" she asked Albus.
Potter isn't an uncommon last name. We've never met... until today.
The Slytherin nodded, "Brothers."
No. If we're related, it's distantly. Thirteenth cousin, five times removed.... Maybe more distant than that, we're both related to some ancient King of England who had the last name of Potter.
Professor Bedelin nodded and looked at James once again. "Don't make me give you detention on your first night back at school."
Oh right, I’m the one who gets detention. As if I was the one who went around punching people on my first ride to Hogwarts.
He tried to hide his frustration, while a voice inside his head kept on mentally yelling questions at her. What are you even doing on the Hogwarts Express?! Don't teachers come alone? It's not like we need supervision or anything!
"Don't let me catch you doing anything else, Potter. Or I'll personally make sure you get punished."
As if I hadn't already had my fair share of detention my first year at Hogwarts. He just nodded at her. You won't catch me doing anything...
As soon as she was gone, Fred started the snide Slytherin remarks again, "So, Slytherin boy, who's your girlfriend? Are you recruiting Slytherins again?" He laughed at his own joke. "You know you really should talk to the Sorting Hat, if that's your plan. But you're a bit late. You should have sent me an owl last year. I could have gotten the message to it for you. Too late. No doubt he's rehearsing his infamous Sorting Hat song by now. And I doubt that Headmistress DeMolay will read a Slytherin's feeble attempt at a letter to the Sorting Hat anyway."
Fred turned around and abruptly walked out of the compartment. Well then… James shrugged and followed him.
"So, we have first years waiting for us," he said, stopping next to Fred a few feet away from the first years and their compartment.
"Well, it seems like most of them are having a party in that compartment," he muttered, pointing to the compartment that they had just walked out of.
"I'm sure there are a few in the luggage car, Fred." James laughed and started walking toward the back of the train again.
* * * * *
“You look like a Hippogriff kicked you in the face, James, you know that? Your little Slytherin bro definitely has got a strong fist!” Fred observed.
“Ugh, don’t remind me…” James muttered.
“Eh, cheer up! We’re almost there. Here, put these on!” Before James could see what he was giving to him, Fred stuck a tall hat on his head. The sides of his face felt tickly and as he reached up he felt long hair growing out of it.
“Flying cupcakes, that’s a beard!” James exclaimed.
“Sure is. Dad had hidden this in an old trunk in the attic with tons of other old tricks. Thought it might come in handy. Got one for myself too, only it looks cooler on me.” He nudged James and grinned.
“That stuff’s good,” he continued, impressed. “Look at that.” The beard kept growing, until it reached his knees and then it magically braided itself and a golden clip clasped the end of it. “Bloody sophisticated!”
“Sophisticated is all you’re going to get from a Weasley’s work, little cuz.” He winked and put on his own hat, instantly obtaining a long, red, curly beard. “Now, shall we go in there and give these first years the welcome they deserve?” He tapped a spot on the train’s tapestry with his wand and a very well hidden cupboard opened.
“How did you do that?”
He ruffled James’s hair playfully. “Old tricks, cuz. You’re a newbie, you’ll learn.” He grinned and pulled two cloaks out of the cupboard, a red one and a green one and handed over the green one to him. He clasped the top button on his own and lifted the collar, vampire style.
“Let’s,” James agreed.
The metallic door slid across the railing and clinked in place. A bluish light reached them the moment James had full view of the compartment. Some first year learned a spell or two before hopping on Hogwarts Express, eh? It was good that they had cast lumos correctly, instead of setting the train on fire.
Fred had honestly outdone himself this time, especially considering he had no actual plan. James guessed he’d found a way to sneak in the luggage cart before the train left the station. Trunks and empty cages were covered with flags in the four Houses’ colours, adorned by the Houses’ emblems. Little, half-melted candles lit gloomily the faces of the first years.
With a quick scanning, he counted about fifteen heads, one trying to hide behind another. Awesome.
Freddy, taking the wheel, walked forward boogie-man style. “So, you are the ones who aspire to study in Hogwarts School of Wizardry!” The kids cowered and drew to the back wall of the compartment. There was a tiny first year, sitting on his own a little further than the others. He had brown hair and faint freckles, little brown eyes and in general an ordinary, easy-to-forget kind of face.
“You!” Fred continued, pointing at a big first year. James wouldn’t have picked that one. He was almost taller than him. “Step forward, son, what’s your name?” he asked in a heavy, grown-up voice. James couldn’t help a chuckle underneath his long beard. The little brown haired boy seemed to take notice of James, so he shot back his most intimidating glare. The swelling had gotten worse and was forcing his right eye to stay almost closed, but maybe that made him scarier. The boy flinched and looked uneasily down at his feet.
“Austin, sir,” the tall boy replied in a low voice. “Austin Bradley.”
“And do you come from a… wizard family?” Fred went on, in his strict voice.
“My father’s a wizard, sir.”
Fred scratched his hairy chin, his lips forming a cunning grin underneath the beard. “Hmmm… So, we shall test you. And see if you’re worthy of attending the school.”
A short girl with short, blond braids pushed two taller boys aside to fit her head through. “Excuse me,” she began in a high pitched voice. Her lower lip was smeared with brown, probably from some chocolate frog. She also had faint freckles across her cheekbones, right under her blue eyes.
“Yes?” James asked, in a heavy accent, frowning and bending like a hunchback, his expression scaring her to death. “Do you have something to say?”
“Oh… Um… Yeah…” She was fiddling with her braids and was looking down at her polished, red shoes. “Erm, so… What are we going to be tested on exactly?”
James reached up and uneasily straightened the big hat he was wearing. Really, what were we going to test them on?
“Why, what a silly question is this!” Fred said, before his cousin could even think an appropriate answer. “Magic. Isn’t that what you aspire to learn in this school, young lady?”
She nodded nervously.
“Well then, that’s what we shall examine then. Sometimes mistakes are made. And people are accepted into the school, but they are not suitable.” For a second all of the first years were completely still, as if someone had cast a time freezing spell on them. “Mr. Crumbleberry!” Fred’s voice grew louder.
Was he talking to me?
“Mr. Crumbleberry!” he repeated with meaning.
James coughed to hide his surprise and walked forward. “Yes?” he asked hoarsely.
“Please, proceed with Mr. Bradley’s test.” He paused for a second. The wheels inside his head were overworking, trying to come up with a good idea. “You said your father’s a wizard?” he grunted at the Austin kid.
“Yes, sir.” He nodded quickly, avoiding James’s eyes, pinning his gaze on James’s fake beard.
“Hmm… We’ll get to you later then.” He walked around the compartment, students stepping back as he approached. He came to stand in front of another boy, taller than him. “How about you, boy? What’s your name?”
It was obvious he was a Muggle born. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a shirt with yellow and black stripes. “My name’s Ben,” he said, sounding braver than the rest of the firsties. He was swallowing hard.
Fred turned to him, coming a little closer. He squinted his eyes and leaned forward, as if to take a better look at him. He gasped. “Big Ben?” Fred asked.
Some chuckles were heard from the room, quickly covered by fake coughing. He looked at James seriously, this time not looking away. He brought a finger in front of his lips, shushing the snickers of the firsties.
“It’s Ben Rafingstone actually.” Cough. “Sir.”
“Interesting… Hmmm… Step forward,” James murmured in a secretive voice. He remembered one of the dozens of tricks stuffed under his shirt. He stopped as soon as he was standing in front of a crate with a candle on it. “I need you to cast a spell for me.”
“A… spell?” he asked surprised. “But I haven’t learned any yet.”
“Don’t ye worry about that. I’ll show ye one. It’s very simple, really.” He took out his wand and James shook his head. “No, no, no. Here. Take this one,” he instructed and pulled a black wand from his robes. “Observe, then do the same.” He handed him over the wand and pointed with his at the candle. James did a complicated gesture for effect, then tapped the candle with the tip of his wand. “Polychromis!” he said clearly and the yellow candle became blue. Wow’s came from the students around them. “Your turn,” he said.
Ben stood there for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. He lifted his wand and repeated the incantation. The wand exploded with an audible pop, colours flying everywhere. James smelled the papery scent of confetti filling the room as Big Ben stood there baffled.
Recovering quickly he pointed a finger at him. “You! How could you do that? This was a perfectly good wand! You blew it up!” He turned at Fred, a hurt, mommy-he-stole-my-cookie look still on his face. “Mr. Bubblehead!” he called in his most upset voice and his cousin came closer. They exchanged a conspiratorial grin that the firsties couldn’t see in the dim lighting.
He placed a hand on James’s shoulder comfortingly. “Don’t worry, Mr. Crumbleberry, we’ll buy another one!” He looked up at the crowd of first years. “Erm, my associate and I need to have a talk. We’ll be back later for the rest of your testing.” He touched his pointy hat and bowed his head slightly, his beard brushing the floor. “Good day to you all.” And with that he pushed James out of the compartment.
As soon as they were halfway to their own compartment they burst into fits of chuckles, leaning against the train walls for support.
“That was bloody epic!” he told his cousin. “Did you see their faces?”
“Mr. Bubblehead?” he exclaimed. “Seriously?”
“You called me Crumbleberry! You deserved that one!”
They grinned at each other as they took off their hats, the beard shortening until it was completely gone and held the robes to their hands, finally in normal clothes. “Gotta put our robes on soon,” Fred pointed out, looking outside. The sky was already purple as the setting sun sank behind the mountains.
A few compartments later Fred pulled at his sleeve. “What now?” he asked, stopping on his tracks.
“Dear cousin? Do you see what I see?” he asked.
It was Professor Bedelin, their Transfiguration teacher and head of the Hufflepuff House; the one who had stopped James’s fighting with Al earlier today. And she was having dinner with their Potions Teacher, Professor Erb!
“Do I see a romantic dinner in there or are my eyes fooling me, dear cousin?” Fred asked again, nudging him with his elbow.
“I’m very certain it is.”
Fred rubbed his hands together. “Interesting… Very, very interesting,” he kept murmuring all the way to their compartment.
* * * * *
“Really when did you buy these confetti wands?” Fred asked as James showed him seven more wands he had snuck in his bag. Some turned into rubber ducks and stuffed bears when you cast a spell and worse there was one which turned into an ink bottle and spilled ink all over you. He couldn’t wait to use that one on a Slytherin.
“Uncle George wanted to stock up his son’s partner in crime,” James said, winking.
“It was a good one. Well done,” he congratulated his cousin.
“I think we got Big Ben traumatized for life,” James said honestly.
“He’ll get over it as soon as he realizes he can do magic just fine. Don’t worry about him.”
“Do you think any of the firsties will recognize us when they see us later at school?”
“Nah!” Fred said with certainty, stretching his feet on the empty seat opposite them. “They can’t. It was too dark for them to make out details.”
“I–” The sentence got cut short by a group of third year Slytherins that the two cousins simply loved to hate.
It was the same old gang, Barney Foster, the disaster twins, Lesley and Eleanor Metron and Peter Watchon. They were all bright minds, those Slytherins. You threw a bone the other way and they’d run to fetch it.
Fred stood up, making a theatrical bow to their direction. “What do we owe the honor to, ladies?” An angry grunt came from Barney. “And gentlemen,” he added, stressing the gentle part.
“We have some unfinished business,” Barney started, his fat arms crossed over his chest. James couldn’t look away from them, as if the world would fall apart if he did.
“Oh, no, I’m afraid everything’s been taken care of,” Fred said confidently.
“Think again, Weasley!” he said, grabbing him from the hem of his shirt.
James jumped up, shouting. “Hey, hey, that’s it! Back off!” He exchanged a look with Fred. “Bedelin and Erb are two compartments down. Don’t want to get something started now, do you?”
Even Barneys tiny head understood what it meant that two professors were so close. He wouldn’t dare doing anything stupid. He took a few steps back.
“That’s better,” he said, realizing where Fred’s confidence welled from. “What are you looking at?” he told them angrily, when they kept standing at the compartment’s door like idiots. “Bye.”
They turned around, the miserable Metron twins looking at him with sour faces. Fred jumped to the door as soon as it closed. They could see them walking in the hall and his cousin pulled out his wand for a last welcome back to school trick.
“Wingardium Leviosa,” he murmured and flicked his wand at the carpet, lifting the tip of it from the floor. Peter stumbled on the out-of-place fabric, his legs tangled with Lesley and her twin followed, bumping on already falling Lesley and at last Barney, whose weight tackled them all on the ground.
“Weasley!” Barney roared.
James high-fived his cousin and turned the key in the lock’s door. He fell on the floor, laughing so hard his stomach hurt.
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