Author's Note: If you've read this far, I may be your least favorite author by now. If now, welcome back, I'm glad you're still reading.
Some of the lines here are also short bits and pieces from New Moon. I promise it's just that and after chapter 4 I'm done. Well... There are are actually some in the following chapters, but it's gonna take a while for me to use S.M.'s original text again. Once again, the bold lines have been written by S.M. and not from me. I do not own them and I do not own the characters she created in the original saga.
Lots of love,
Nessie
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At that moment, my head broke the surface.
How disorienting. I'd been sure I was sinking. The current wouldn't let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of my back sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs. It gushed out in amazing volume, absolute torrents pouring from my mouth and nose. The salt burned and my lungs burned and my throat was too full of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back. Somehow I stayed in one place, though the waves still heaved around me. I couldn't see anything but water everywhere, reaching for my face.
"Breathe!" a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a cruel stab of pain when I recognized the voice–because it wasn't Edward's.
I could not obey. The waterfall pouring from my mouth didn't stop long enough for me to catch a breath. The black, icy water filled my chest, burning. The rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of water choked its way out of my lungs.
"Breathe, Bella! C'mon!" someone begged.
Black spots bloomed across my vision, getting wider and wider, blocking out the light.
The rock struck me again.
The rock wasn't cold like the water; it was hot on my skin. I realized it was someone's hand, trying to beat the water from my lungs. The iron bar that had dragged me from the sea was also… warm… My head whirled, the black spots covered everything…
Was I dying again, then? I didn't like it–this wasn't as good as the last time. It was only dark now, nothing worth looking at here. The sound of the crashing waves faded into the black and became a quiet, even whoosh that sounded like it was coming from the inside of my ears…
"Bella?" he asked, his voice still tense, but not as wild as before. "Bells, can you hear me?"
The contents of my head swished and rolled sickeningly, like they'd joined the rough water…
I was so cold now that I couldn't feel much besides the heat of his body as he held me carefully above the waves and the soreness of my back. It seemed as though the current was dragging against my legs, not willing to quit, but they had been numb and I might have been imagining it.
My vision was blurry and my eyes stung from the salty water, but I could recognize some details. The sky was dark; I could only see in a short distance but as I stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes–a small flash of fire was dancing on the black water, far out in the bay. The image made no sense, and I wondered how conscious I really was. My head swirled with the memory of the black, churning water–of being so lost that I couldn't find up or down. So lost… I could see I wasn't in the water anymore. I was in some sort of underwater cave.
Oh god, why, why me? Why couldn't I just drown?!
I felt a pair of warm arms embracing me and holding me tight. I could feel the man who was holding me kicking from the rock and then I was in the water again, his arms never leaving me. I was on my back and he was still holding me in his arms as he swam for the shore. The churning water reached for us, I panicked and started kicking. As reconciled as I was two minutes ago with the idea of drowning, I was afraid now. I didn't want to go back to the dark. I didn't want the water to cover my face again. I was terrified to leave the safety of the rock.
"Stop that," he snapped at me.
I fought to stay limp, and it was harder than I thought; even though I was exhausted and was in extreme pain in various parts of my body, and my cramping limps wanted nothing more than to float motionless. Soon I felt sand scraping my heels. Then I drifted away again.
* * * * *
As I found consciousness again, I felt still the warm hands on my arms and waist.
"How long has she been unconscious?"someone asked. He was not the same person as the first.
The second voice shocked me, jarred me into a more focused awareness. I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me–the heaving was inside my head. The surface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.
"I don't know," the first voice reported, still frantic. His voice was very close. Hands – so warm to my freezing cold skin – brushed wet hair from my cheeks. "A few minutes? It didn't take long to tow her to the beach."
The quiet whooshing inside my ears was not the waves–it was the air moving in and out of my lungs again. Each breath burned–the passageways were as raw as if I'd scrubbed them out with steel wool. But I was breathing.
And I was freezing. A thousand sharp, icy beads were striking my face and arms, making the cold worse.
"She's breathing. She'll come around. We should get her out of the cold, though. I don't like the color she's turning…"
"You think it's okay to move her?"
"She didn't hurt her back or anything when she fell?"
"I don't know."
They hesitated.
I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging the freezing rain down at me. "Edward?" I croaked although I knew neither of the two men was him. I knew he was gone long before.
The first man's face blocked out the sky. "Oh!" he gasped, relief washing over his features. His eyes were wet from the rain. "Oh, Bella! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Do you hurt anywhere?"
"Y-y-yeah," I stuttered, my lips quivering from the cold.
"Let's get you out of here," he said. He slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort–like picking up an empty box. My whole back ached but I didn't make a sound. His chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain off of me. My head lolled over his arm. I stared vacantly back toward the furious water, beating the sand behind him.
"You got her?" I heard the other ask.
"Yeah, I'll take it from here. Get back to the hospital. I'll be there soon. Thanks, Paul."
My head was still rolling. None of his words sunk in at first. Paul didn't answer. There was no sound, and I wondered if he were already gone.
The water licked and writhed up the sand after us as he carried me away, like it was angry that I'd escaped. I was shaking so hard that my teeth were clicking together - the sound was like hyper castanets.
"Bella? How are you feeling? Was Edward with you?" the voice asked again. Even when I looked at his face I couldn't recognize him… I knew him, his facial features were really familiar, but who he was exactly… No idea. Not a clue.
"What are you expecting her to say, Sam?" someone else, a new voice, asked. "She's delirious."
"She's calling his name, Jared. He might be around." I felt Sam placing me on the sand, but he didn't leave me there. He stayed above me, still shielding me from the cold rain.
"Why do you care about the leech? It's none of our business to help him!"
"We should keep in mind he's around."
"Stop! Stop!" I mumbled half realizing what they were talking about. Their conversation was bringing images of his pale, perfect face and it was too much for me to bear.
"Sam, she needs to go to the hospital. Now." I felt him picking me up again but had no memories of what happened afterwards.
* * * * *
When I came to consciousness again, I felt completely disorientated. The white room I was in was nothing but familiar. Except Charlie's worried face by my side.
"Dad," my voice trembled and I saw him turning in my direction.
"Bells! You're awake!" he heaved a deep sigh of relief and the wrinkles on his forehead softened at the point that they were barely visible.
"W-where am I?"
"At the hospital. Thank god, some kids from the reservation found you soon enough." These guys… Sam, Jered and Paul... Or whatever their names were…
I tried to sit up, but the pain in my wrist stopped me. I winced and let it drop motionless by my side and took a better look at the room. There were tubes stuck on my arms that were connected to the other side of the hospital bed. I looked out of the window and the storm was raging, even more intense than yesterday. If it had been only one day I was out. The wind was slamming the windows wildly, like it was trying to get me, even in here.
"Dad, wh-" I sobbed. "-what happened?"
"You don't need to worry about it now… just make sure you get better."
I felt my heart becoming a knot as I remembered all the events of the night of my birthday. Officially the worst day of my life. And the last day I actually lived. Charlie kept his eye on me. Worry was written across his forehead with bright letters, but I couldn't tell him not to worry right now. I was busy with sinking in my own misery. I felt empty, a shell of whom I was once, not long before, but still, before. I should have died that day. I should have drowned during this storm. I wasn't supposed to be living. Why was God so cruel to me? Couldn't he just leave me not-live my life? Should he save me then? Couldn't he have saved - it hurt too much to even think of the name… - him?
I saw a pair of golden eyes peeking through the half open door, but they disappeared as they met my gaze. I didn't expect it, but this made a new wave of terror crash over me. I knew it wasn't him. That was out of question. But what would I tell the rest of them? I caused this. I caused all of this. I should have died in his place. I saw the door open and Carlisle walked in. His expression was indescribable. The sadness in his face… I had never seen anything like it before. He forced himself to smile, but I knew it was a really painful smile for him. It was mirrored in his eyes. I couldn't take all this. I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping, although I knew that my heart; which was hammering inside my chest; gave everything away. Like I could fool a vampire.
I heard him coming closer; his cold fingers checked the pulse on my neck. Weren't all the machines that were connected to me saying anything about my pulse? Did he have to touch me? I flinched away, although the tube army didn't allow me to go too far. Neither did the cast on my arm. When I met his eyes I was trapped inside. Carlisle was nothing like he was, but it made everything flash in front of my eyes again. Like the nightmare began again. The way she appeared. The way they crashed against each other. How he ripped her arm off… the fire… absolutely everything. I shut my eyes tightly, as if I could stop the memories from flooding back.
"Bella? Are you feeling pain?" he asked, holding my hand.
Yes, I am! Get this out of my head! I wanted to scream, but instead I opened my eyes and looked outside the window.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes," I whispered so silently that I could barely hear myself saying it and gave him a little nod, still avoiding facing him.
"Are you sure? I could give you some meds for the pain if you don't feel well. May I check your bandages?"
I nodded again.
He lifted the white hospital blanket and checked the bandages wrapped around my ribcage and I winced as he touched a really badly bruised spot on my left side.
"Your bandages seem tight enough. They are not hurting you now, are they?"
"No."
"I will give you 3mg of morphine; there is no reason to keep you in this state. It is not going to help you recover after all."
I didn't answer. Morphine or no morphine I wouldn't recover. Not inside. What had happened had changed everything. Forever.
"If you need anything, ask a nurse to page me and I'll be here in a second," he assured me and walked out of the room, looking at his pager.
"Charlie, you should go rest."
"No, Bells, I’ll stay here," he argued.
"Please. Just go, you need to get some proper sleep in a real bed, not the hospital armchair."
There was a light knock on the door and I saw a man enter without really waiting for a reply. He seemed familiar.
"Oh, she's up. Are we interrupting?" Two more guys, dark skinned with short, chopped, black hair came inside.
"Bella, these are the boys who found you on the beach. I think you have met Sam already," Charlie informed me and gave him a friendly pat on the back which was supposed to look father-like, but Charlie looked so short and tiny in front of him. Sam, as well as the other two, was really muscular.
I gave a shrug, not able to look into my memories now to remember if it was him I had seen last year at the First Beach with the other Quileute boys or not.
"Hi, Bella. Nice meeting you. I'm Paul," the other boy on the left of Sam said and waved at me.
"I'm Jared. Nice meeting you too," the last boy said awkwardly. So it was Jared not Jered.
"Um, thanks. For saving me," I said. I wanted to ask them why the hell would they save me, but I should be this grateful. They are only humans and they did what they thought that was best.
"Are you feeling any better?" Sam asked, worried.
"Eh… a little." Big liar!
"You seem tired and…" Not in the mood to talk? I finished the sentence inside my head. Sam sighed and leaned against the wall. “Maybe we should leave so that you can rest,” he continued and exchanged a look with Jared and Paul.
“See you later, Bells,” Paul said and waved.
“Bye,” I whispered as they left the room.
The morphine came into effect and soon I fell asleep, forgetting everything that had been torturing my mind; until I started dreaming.
It was all about that day. We were in the woods; he wasn't taking me to the party. He said he had to tell me something. I saw his upper lip twitching as he was deciding if he should tell me or not. I walked closer to him.
"What is it, Edward?"
Suddenly his eyes grew wider and with no warning he pulled me behind him.
"Bella, watch out!" without warning Sam appeared. What is he doing here?! He's gonna get hurt! I saw Edward lowering in a defensive crouch and growling. But he wasn't looking at Sam. He was looking at Victoria.
"No!" I shouted and my eyes flung open, bringing me back to reality.
"Bella. Bella, it's okay. It's okay," Alice repeated and stroked my hair. I looked at her like I never had before, as if she was a ghost.
"Where is Charlie?" I asked noticing his absence.
"I sent him home, he's been at your side for two days, and he needed to sleep."
"He hadn't slept for two days?!"
"No. He was too worried to sleep. I really wonder how he lasted this long. I promise he's still human though."
I tried to laugh at her joke but I really couldn't find the courage to do it. Even talking hurt too much.
"Alice. I am so sorry. This is all my fault!" I sobbed hard.
"What? Bella, what are you talking about?"
"If it wasn't me he-" I started crying.
"Bella, you can't beat yourself up over this." I saw the pain in her eyes. "You had nothing to do with this. It was an accident."
"Accident? An accident? Do you honestly believe what you just said?" I shook my head. "No, it wasn't an accident. Victoria was after me. She'd hunt me down, we knew it! If we weren't together, he'd- he'd be still alive!" I buried my face in my hands and cried even harder.
I still was hoping it was all a mistake. That he'd come through the door like last spring. That my mother would come and tell me he fell asleep in the waiting room because he had been by my side all the time. That he would trick me into going to the prom with him once again!
"I should have seen it."
"Wh-" I tried to stop the sobbing. "What are you saying?"
"I should have seen this happening, I should have stopped it!"
"What?! Alice, are you serious? You could never know!"
"Of course I could! And I should! I was such an idiot to think he was going to show you your surprise first!" She sighed. "I didn't even manage to find you in time! Those… dogs… made it before us!"
"Dogs? Are you talking about Sam and his friends?"
"Yes, them," she said in a voice that reflected her dislike of them.
"What is wrong with them?" I desperately tried to distract myself and Alice from the events of that night.
"Hm?" she asked as if she was lost in her thoughts. "Oh, nothing. Forget it."
"What do you mean forget it? You just called them dogs, didn’t you?" I insisted.
"Bella, don't let your mind stick on details."
Thanks for reminding me. Now that you dropped the subject, I can sink in my misery with your consent, Alice. I stared blankly at the ceiling, trying really hard to empty my mind of everything. It was the only way to keep myself together.
"What did you tell them?"
"Tell who?"
"The boys. The hospital. The police. Charlie."
"A bear attacked you. Your injuries could be from a bear. And that explains why they found you by the beach."
"Why? Did the bear want to take a shower?" I asked absentmindedly, trying to find some logic inside this lame excuse. The thing was that I couldn't really see any of it.
"No. The police supposed the bear was chasing you and you slipped from the side of the cliff."
Victoria's face flashed in front of my eyes and it I looked away as if I could shake the sight of it away. "Can… can we drop it? I can't really talk about this now," I said. I knew what would be the next she’d tell me. The excuse they used for him. I couldn’t handle this now. No way. "I am tired."
"Sure. I’ll sit here. I promised Charlie I'd take care of you while he's gone."
"Okay," I said and turned to look at her, only to meet Rosalie's angry face. She was standing at the door, showing such hatred and repulse for me like never before. She was right. I was such a terrible monster. I deserved all of it. All of the Cullen’s should look at me like she did.
I didn't bother hiding my tears; it didn't matter anyway since there was no way to stop them.
"Rose, can you call Carlisle? Bella's really upset, he should give her something."
I didn't hear a reply and supposed that she left. A little later Carlisle came and injected something in one of the tubes that were stuck inside me. It didn't take long to fall asleep afterwards.
The terrible nightmare repeated itself inside my head until I woke up again with my head throbbing and feeling sweaty and panicked. Alice's restless look was pinched on me every time I woke up and fell asleep again. She managed to force Charlie to go to work for the rest of the week while she was by my side all the time. She kept Jasper close, which became really handy. My dreams upset me so much that I spent countless hours crying except when he was near. He was doing his mood control magic thing, and all the pain numbed in the background, becoming just an unpleasant buzz. But when he needed to go hunting it was hard for me. I was shouting in my sleep and the head nurse was afraid I was having a seizure. She called Carlisle, and as far as I knew, he had to wake me up in order to let the other patients of the hospital sleep.
My classmates came to see me, all of them. Mike, Angela, Jessica, Eric and Tyler as well as some others whose names I barely knew. They were saying to me how sorry they were about the bearaccident and that they hoped I could come back at school soon and that they missed me. Mike was around a lot, trying to - sadly unsuccessfully - make me smile and Angela was bringing my homework. I couldn’t see the point in doing any of it, but it was a distraction. Not the best though. My English assignments were always put aside because we were studying Romeo and Juliet at the moment. And it wasn't something I could do. Even seeing the cover of the book reminded me of him. Alice did the assignments for me though, I saw one of them, a summary or something answered and it was her handwriting. She had convinced Charlie that there was no reason for him to sleep at the hospital because she could do it instead. Charlie and Alice were really getting along, she was the one he liked most of all the Cullen’s. And Carlisle; although they didn't speak much except when it was about me.
My body had started recovering; although I wished it wouldn't. Being inside the hospital, having all my friends here, but without having to face the actual world was bearable. But later, when the time would come, when I would go to school, I would act normal, I would move on, forget. Though, I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to forget. I wanted to hold onto the warm happy memory of me and him, in my house, sitting in the couch and watching Romeo and Juliet. This was what I wanted, forever.
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